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September 26th, 2003

12:43 pm - Stupid Health Department
Well maybe not the entire department but the receptionists who work there. I swear they have no people skills whatsoever and you think they would. I was waiting in line and one particular woman was just short and hateful to several people. I always jump to the conclusion that they are hateful because clients are generally low income people who have a couple or more children and may also be pregnant. They are looked at as "baby-making factory's" who leech off the government and nothing more. GRRRRR! I don't know how to explain it better than that...I guess you would have to be there. I just hate going for WIC recertification because it leaves me with such an ugly feeling. But hey I'm the one letting it affect me.

Anyhow, I have been giving Isabella little to no solids lately beacuse I honestly felt it was not settling well with her stomach or her skin when having BM's. She just seems so sensitive to solids and not ready. Well, the nutritionist today advises me to give her solids 3-5 times a day and to be sure and include veggies, fruits, breads, AND meats. Although she did agree that most of her nutrition was still gained from breastmilk. I of course don't want her to develop an aversion to solids but I just don't think she is ready. The nutritionist said the biggest thing she would be lacking is her iron. I just don't think she needs alot of MEAT right now, period. What am I supposed to do give her a chicken leg? She does nibble cheerios and crackers and cooked pastas(no sauce) and seems to tolerate those things well and are all good sources of iron. I don't know where I'm going with all of this but I guess I'm feeling unsure about my decisions as a mother today and it doesn't help when people look at you like you are neglectful if your baby isn't eating a Happy Meal yet. Sorry the ramble.
Current Mood: confusedconfused

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September 18th, 2003

12:20 am
I used to be modest when I nursed and I would talk to other people about the subject and would go on and on about how it should be acceptable and not seen as weird or unusual or sexual but I would still hold back myself. Not for my sake but on account of others, of embarrassing them. Today I didn't even think about it. We were at the YMCA for Jacob and Mina's soccer practice and Bella fussed and fussed and I just consoled her the best way I know how. I found a comfortable place right at the front entrance and fed my baby. She felt better and cried no more. I kept thinking this is good. This feels good to her and me both. We are one in harmony and all is right with the world. I had a blanket but I didn't need it. People walked by and smiled except for the one minor exception of an older lady who did a double take, smiling at first then frowning. She didn't bother me at all. I just don't care. I am changing. I cannot please everybody and acceptance will only come when mothers including myself stop worrying about the frowns and people who bring about such negativitey that it scares us and our babies underneath blankets.
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable

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September 17th, 2003

11:52 pm
I love Carter's baby clothing but rarely ever purchase any myself unless it is on a huge clearance or recieve it as a gift. BUT, WalMaArt is now carrying a line by Carter's and it is called Child of Mine by Carter's. I was skeptical but went ahead and bought some bodysuits comparible to the three pack Gerber Onesies and let me tell you they are the best! They are IDENTICAL to those you would get at a department store like JCPenney's or Dillard's, etc. The best part is that all the clothing is near half the price. I got a three pack of bodysuits for 7 dollars where in the department stores they run about 12-15 bucks. They have a huge line of layette items but also a wide variety of items for older babies. There are long-sleeved bodysuits, sleep and play suits, creepers, pants and lotsa other cutesy stuff. I think the best part other than the price is that they come in bright, bold colors which is a nice change from the run of the mill pink and blue baby colors. The package I bought had citrus colors in stripes of lime, orange, and yellow. Then one solid orange and one solid lime. There were pants to match but I have to wait on those till it is a little cooler because money is tight as always. I just wanted to pass that along in case any mamas were needing to stock up on any items for the change of weather because these clothes are really nice for the price!

I am ordering some cloth diapers to try out from momgoddess and I couldn't be more excited. She makes some really adorable diapers with beautiful patterns and materials and I am so psyched I am making the switch. It is just better overall in so many ways and I think it will be a blessing to Isabella's skin. luvbnamommy swears by them and I am glad my money will be going to such a hard working kick-ass mama as opposed to somebody I don't even know. Check out the diapers at bluemoondiapers.com!
Current Mood: excitedexcited

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September 16th, 2003

09:33 pm - Diapers....
I'm seriously thinking about switching to cloth diapers for a number of reasons but the main reason is Bella's skin. It is so very sensitive and she has already had more diaper rashes in her short 8 months of life than my older two kids combined. This last one was a real doozie with rawness, chaffing, and cracks. It seemed near impossible to clear up, bless her heart. So that one was clear a couple days and another one is already stirring! I also suspect the rashes lately could be from the solid foods I've been offering here and there and as they exit her body they foul up her sskin. At the same time she gets incredibly painful gas so we have just stopped solids altogether for now and are strictly breastfeeding. She is just not ready! I need to find out more about cloth diapering because quite frankly I never considered this before but I am begining to think this may be worth a try and possibly better on her skin than the disposables. I have just always had it in my mind that cloth diapers are very hard to maintain, probably leak quite a bit and with a baby who poops every feeding I would be up to my ears in diapers every evening and have to wash diapers every day, etc. etc. BUT if it turns out to be the trick it is totally worth it. Where to start.....
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

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September 6th, 2003

10:54 pm
Came to Okmulgee today to visit the In-Laws. It's my sis-in-law's b-day(22nd) so that's the occasion. I guess we're obligated to come and celebrate till she and her brother are like 30 for crying out loud. Sounds shitty but you know it seems like we're unhealthily bound to certain things we really shouldn't have to because we have our own life and what-not. No one thinks about how we have three babies in tow and work, school, etc. We rush around to rush up here, stay ONE day and rush back. It would be considered rude if it were any other way and if we were ever to put our needs first unless one of the children were dying. Blech. It's just kind of bothersome. Jimmy tries to compare mine and his family and say they are just "closer" than mine(translation=better). It seems Jimmy is happiest when we are here. Almost as if his primary family is more important. At least more important than me. Maybe I am just petty and paranoid. At any rate I just bite my tongue and deal with it.
Had a wonderful breastfeeding moment today. Isabella is getting to where she just maintains constant eye contact with me while nursing, playing with my mouth, necklace. Today she was hungrily eating away and caught my gaze, stared a little while, then let go and grinned from ear to ear while milk ran out of her mouth, then eagerly went back to her meal with fervor. I am so happy I'm nursing. It's the sweetest thing in the world to see a baby nursing. The connection is so beautiful. I really considered quitting when I was in the hospital in June when I was so very ill and in a great deal of pain so it physically hurt to do everything including nurse. But I stuck it out and now know it would have been impossible to even try to break that bond. Well, I better turn in while the baby is snoozing which, btw, is still a rare occurence that I'm hoping will change very soon because this mama is tired!
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

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September 5th, 2003

03:00 pm - Books books books....
Went to the library and checked out TONS of books. Probably way many more than I can finish but most of them are for the kiddos anyway. There were alot of new selections in this week and my lucky hot little hands snagged em'first. I love all kinds of books but especially children's. I wish I had enough money to build a better home library and to buy some really nice bookcases but oh well, until then this will work. At Christmas time and birthdays, etc. I ALWAYS want to spend more money on books for the kids and not a bunch of toys that will entertain for only a little bit of time. I swear I have thrown away more toys than we will ever keep or even need. I just don't see the point of having a huge overflowing pile of toys here, there and everywhere when the money can be put towards priceless books. I'm not completely anti-toy or anything I just think that if you have the money to spend and the choice on what to spend it, books or educational,thought-provoking toys should be considered. Geez, I sound like a toy nazi. I just want the kid to learn and enjoy the adventure of reading. I loved it as a child and still do. As long as the kids are read to and see their parents doing it as well, they will naturally develop an interest and hopefully someday be hooked!
Current Mood: excitedexcited

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September 3rd, 2003

11:40 pm
My parents are getting a fucking divorce and it is so hard. Much harder than the first divorce I witnessed--this man is my stepfather but more of a father than my biological was. Now it is turning into arguments about money, financial shit, what is who's and all the other shit. He better not make things hard on my mother because she has been so wonderful to him. She says she just can't live like this anymore and she has tried for 15 years. I'm sort of mad at her in a way. That's not fair. I want to be mad at someone. This is so much harder as an adult. I don't want him to disappear like my bio. dad did. Can't they just remain civil for mine and MY kids'sake???? Is that so much to ask? Mom will remain civil. She wouldn't have it any other way. I don't want him to fizzle and fade from my life. I think he will over time. I want to still have Christmas together and birthdays and such, but will he refuse on account of mom? God I don't want to be disappointed. Things are so hard right now and I just can't absorb it all as I am either choosing not to deal with it or I'm too busy and it is taking a little longer to sink in. Shit. I'm just so pissed. I need to be supportive but objective. I's not my business. We have no money, we are overdrawn. We had to get groceries so we didn't pay some bills. I don't know how long we will be like this. Things in general just look shitty. I have no one to talk with about this. My mother is my closest friend and she isn't the best person to talk to right now. Sometimes I wish I had a good girlfriend. I'm a loner I guess. Need to go to bed.
Current Mood: scaredscared

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August 29th, 2003

12:38 pm - audblog audio post
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August 15th, 2003

11:31 pm
I haven't updated in a while. I've been so busy and feeling yucky. I finally went to my doctor and have had lots of tests. The doc said something about postpartum thyroiditis(never heard of it). I also saw a gastroenterologist for my stomach pain and whatnot and I have to have a *gasp* colonoscopy. Gross. He's looking for ulcerative colitis and crohn's, both I know very little about because I've not had much time to research it. He just said with my age and symptoms they are things to look for and both very manageable. I am just ready to feel better. It doesn't help that I get very little sleep. Bella wakes 3-4 times at night, wakes early, and does not take a nap. I don't think people believe me when I tell them this. It certainly weighs on you after eight months. If she would just nap for an hour that would make a world of difference because I would get a chance to refresh. And then of course there is the neglected house. Then Jimmy comes home talking abnout how tired he is, blah blah blah, and I just bite my tongue because he has no idea. Then he acts as if I CHOOSE to have the house in imperfect shape. Oh well, not gonna waste energy on that issue tonight.Read more...Collapse )
Current Mood: sicksick

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August 3rd, 2003

10:09 am

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